My Own Private Idaho

Notes from my tour of duty in retail hell.

First, a caveat: I know, I know, I'm lucky to have even of had a job, etc etc.

1. I have seen literally hundreds, if not thousands, of breasts. All varieties- large, small, dark, light, real, fake, gravity-defying or pendulous, I think I've seen it all.

2. There is an inverse relationship between the amount of modesty a women typically has and her relative hotness index. Lets call this the Horror Index. This means that the people I get to see the most of are invariably the ones I want to see the least of.

3. No beauty product or perfume is going to make you sexy. Period. End of story. Trust me on this one.

4. I hate customers who come in with extremely specific requests. If you come in and ask me for a "hot pink (like, as in, bright hot pink, not dark hot pink. Neon hot pink. But not neon pink-orange. It has to be hot pink) garter skirt (it has to be low rise, and it has to be very, very short. But not too short...) thats lace in the front (but not floral lace) and satin in the back. Preferably with a bow on the butt. Look people, I'm all for helping you out, but I don't take custom orders- I don't have a sewing machine in the back to whip this out for you. Don't act like being a bitch to me will suddenly make me able to satisfy your demands. If we don't have anything like that, then we don't have anything like that, and no amount of snotty behavior will make it appear. You'd think this wouldn't happen, but wait till you get the manic-depressive mid-life crisis lady whos off her meds and wants a black bra but "it can't have any metal on it!" (metal as in, hooks, strap adjustors, underwires, etc...)

5. Boob jobs... I can spot your giant badge of insecurity from 500 yards. And for all you out there who don't know, let me be the first to tell you that if you get your tits done, you will never be able to wear a push-up bra again. Ever. Think about it-- your tits will be permanently overinflated & pushed up.... thus a push-up bra will make you look deformed. Trust me, deformed is not a good look for anyone. And, to be honest, neither are fake tits. Because... they look fake. And usually not in a good way.

6. Big tits do not defy gravity. I don't want to overly generalize, but if you are over 16 and over a D cup, you have some serious sag going on. Not that its a bad thing, its just a real thing. You can't beat gravity. It just happens.

7. Fat people in deep denial. All you ladies out there who come in & buy a 36C or a 36D because you've "been that size forever", when your really a 38D or a 40DD? No one but you cares what the tag says. NO ONE. Men don't even know what that means! No one cares how big you are. Just buy the size that fits, so the rest of us don't have to look at you spilling out of the top, bottom and sides. Now that doesn't look good, ever.

8. Oh, and those of you considering bariatric surgery and who are over 35... that stuff doesn't just snap back. Exercise and diet don't fix hanging, loose skin. Neither does bras. Only surgery will help you.

9. Working in the Twilight Zone: you know how everyone who works here is really fake-happy-nice-awake when you come in to the store? They're like that in the back, too. I've never had anyone be honest with me that they were feeling shitty about being at work. Its like working in the twilight zone.

10. Minimum wage sucks. However, freebies are good.

11. Customers who have obviously never worked in retail have superhero powers of destruction. There is also an inverse relationship the the amount of things a person tries on and the amount of things they buy. Here is a hint: if you try it on & don't buy it, what happens to it? I get to put it away. Along with straightening the 50 other things you messed up to get to your size.

Eh, I'm sure I'll think of more later....