You don't move slow,
Taking steps in my direction
The sound resounds, echo...
Does it lessen your affection?
No.

You say I'm foolish
For pushing this aside
But burn down our home
I won't leave alive

Glaciers have melted to the sea
I wish the tide would take me over
I've been down on my knees
And you just keep on getting closer

Glaciers have melted to the sea (Things have gotten closer to the sun)
I wish the tide would take me over (And I've done things in small doses)
I've been down on my knees (So don't think I'm pushing you away)
And you just keep on getting closer (And your the one that I've kept closest)

Go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow...

-The XX, Crystalised

Allright

I think I'm starting to hit my stride up here, silly as that may sound.

The past couple days I've been feeling a lot better. I feel like I have a much better sense of my part of the picture, I feel a lot more secure and a little less lost.

I had a really good dream about this summer-- I saw myself wearing my favorite black sundress and my big Sorrel boots climbing the mountain in the summer time. I woke up smiling.

I keep drinking and smoking and eating junky food, but I keep getting in better shape. It's starting to get insane. Every day I get dressed and look in the mirror I see new muscles. It's weird, the anti-fitness fitness regimen. I don't think about it, I just have fun all the time-- ski hard and party harder.

Everything is gonna be allright, I know it.

Deeeeeeeeep Day

Drunk. High. Watched the game.

Dear Stu: stoked for tuesday. Stoked for this weekend. I like you. Even though you are technically my boss. So it goes. Doesn't keep you from being really, really freaking hot.

We got about 24 inches of fresh snow today. Working outside for 8 hours kind of sucked. My hands were numb and cold for so long, when I warmed them up again inside, I cried it hurt so bad. Anybody who has ever been really cold knows what I'm talking about.

Dislocated my shoulder skiing today. Ouch. Popped it back in. Kept going. Went to work after.

Best day (snow-wise) of the season, to be honest.

So ready to move out. So ready.

Don't Know, Don't Know

Today I found out that the guy I'm seeing could fire me. I'm reconsidering this monogamy thing after all. His roommate today referred to him as "my man". It was kinda sweet. His new goggles remind me of a pack of crayons, in a cute way.

I don't know.

My Dad is probably moving back down the hill next month. I have no idea what I'm going to do, I'm pretty worried about it. I'm not sure if I can get/afford housing up here, and if I can, if I move out my parents told me that I wouldn't be welcome back. So... it's move back in with my parents down the hill or ski bum on a more permanent basis.

Not really a tough choice, is it?

Today was the best day of the month, I had first tracks down Red Square in knee-deep powder. Awesome. I felt so good earlier, but now I'm starting to feel pretty shit. Typical I guess.

Hello, Headspace

Not a good morning. It's strange-- I'm starting to notice a pattern. I feel unsettled and uncomfortable in the mornings and, somewhat less frequently, the evenings. During the day, I usually feel just fine.

It's strange.

I just feel completely unsettled. Like, I wake feeling like a fuck-up, untrusting of everyone I know, and unsure of everything I'm doing. It's hard to tell if these are just typical doubt, my conscience, loneliness, paranoia, manic-depressive stuff or what. I'm not sure if I should pay attention to these things, or give any credence to their existence.

I've been listening to The XX constantly, feeling kind of lost in space, you know? Everyday I feel like I wake up on the moon, looking at the stars and slowly drift back to Earth. I feel very disconnected.

It's strange, and I don't know how to make it go away or to deal with it any better than just waiting it out. Maybe a drink would help?

The New Solution

I think I'm going to just stay up here for a while. For the summer, for who-knows how long. Why not? It's the ultimate freedom, the ultimate high, the ultimate party, everything, every night. Especially if you're a girl.

My supervisor loves my pierced nipples. He likes to play rough. "You like to make me squirm, don't you?" "Yeah, I do."

I wonder what he's like when he's sober. Probably pretty much the same.

I want to get everyone together and pile into his Subie and drive to Utah and hike the Grand Canyon and camp in the dessert this summer. We can all take ecstasy under the stars and eat mushrooms until our faces melt.

You know, I don't really care about growing up so much at all.

Good Days

You make funny faces at me to make me laugh when we wake up in the morning. I like how your skin smells.

We ride and go crazy fast-- so fast I just pray that I don't catch and edge and fall, because my bones would probably break. We smoke and we get crazy high, outer-space high.

I like the way you kiss me and I like the way you rip backside 360's off the rollers under Chair 26.

I'm working on my goggle tan, but it's not nearly as good as yours is. People around town have started to recognize me by my brother's rasta sunglasses.