Renae in Wonderland.

2010-01-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

You don't move slow,
Taking steps in my direction
The sound resounds, echo...
Does it lessen your affection?
No.

You say I'm foolish
For pushing this aside
But burn down our home
I won't leave alive

Glaciers have melted to the sea
I wish the tide would take me over
I've been down on my knees
And you just keep on getting closer

Glaciers have melted to the sea (Things have gotten closer to the sun)
I wish the tide would take me over (And I've done things in small doses)
I've been down on my knees (So don't think I'm pushing you away)
And you just keep on getting closer (And your the one that I've kept closest)

Go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow, go slow...

-The XX, Crystalised

Allright

2010-01-25T09:44:00.000-08:00

I think I'm starting to hit my stride up here, silly as that may sound.

The past couple days I've been feeling a lot better. I feel like I have a much better sense of my part of the picture, I feel a lot more secure and a little less lost.

I had a really good dream about this summer-- I saw myself wearing my favorite black sundress and my big Sorrel boots climbing the mountain in the summer time. I woke up smiling.

I keep drinking and smoking and eating junky food, but I keep getting in better shape. It's starting to get insane. Every day I get dressed and look in the mirror I see new muscles. It's weird, the anti-fitness fitness regimen. I don't think about it, I just have fun all the time-- ski hard and party harder.

Everything is gonna be allright, I know it.

Deeeeeeeeep Day

2010-01-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

Drunk. High. Watched the game.

Dear Stu: stoked for tuesday. Stoked for this weekend. I like you. Even though you are technically my boss. So it goes. Doesn't keep you from being really, really freaking hot.

We got about 24 inches of fresh snow today. Working outside for 8 hours kind of sucked. My hands were numb and cold for so long, when I warmed them up again inside, I cried it hurt so bad. Anybody who has ever been really cold knows what I'm talking about.

Dislocated my shoulder skiing today. Ouch. Popped it back in. Kept going. Went to work after.

Best day (snow-wise) of the season, to be honest.

So ready to move out. So ready.

Don't Know, Don't Know

2010-01-23T17:03:00.001-08:00

Today I found out that the guy I'm seeing could fire me. I'm reconsidering this monogamy thing after all. His roommate today referred to him as "my man". It was kinda sweet. His new goggles remind me of a pack of crayons, in a cute way.

I don't know.

My Dad is probably moving back down the hill next month. I have no idea what I'm going to do, I'm pretty worried about it. I'm not sure if I can get/afford housing up here, and if I can, if I move out my parents told me that I wouldn't be welcome back. So... it's move back in with my parents down the hill or ski bum on a more permanent basis.

Not really a tough choice, is it?

Today was the best day of the month, I had first tracks down Red Square in knee-deep powder. Awesome. I felt so good earlier, but now I'm starting to feel pretty shit. Typical I guess.

Hello, Headspace

2010-01-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

Not a good morning. It's strange-- I'm starting to notice a pattern. I feel unsettled and uncomfortable in the mornings and, somewhat less frequently, the evenings. During the day, I usually feel just fine.

It's strange.

I just feel completely unsettled. Like, I wake feeling like a fuck-up, untrusting of everyone I know, and unsure of everything I'm doing. It's hard to tell if these are just typical doubt, my conscience, loneliness, paranoia, manic-depressive stuff or what. I'm not sure if I should pay attention to these things, or give any credence to their existence.

I've been listening to The XX constantly, feeling kind of lost in space, you know? Everyday I feel like I wake up on the moon, looking at the stars and slowly drift back to Earth. I feel very disconnected.

It's strange, and I don't know how to make it go away or to deal with it any better than just waiting it out. Maybe a drink would help?

The New Solution

2010-01-21T13:57:00.001-08:00

I think I'm going to just stay up here for a while. For the summer, for who-knows how long. Why not? It's the ultimate freedom, the ultimate high, the ultimate party, everything, every night. Especially if you're a girl.

My supervisor loves my pierced nipples. He likes to play rough. "You like to make me squirm, don't you?" "Yeah, I do."

I wonder what he's like when he's sober. Probably pretty much the same.

I want to get everyone together and pile into his Subie and drive to Utah and hike the Grand Canyon and camp in the dessert this summer. We can all take ecstasy under the stars and eat mushrooms until our faces melt.

You know, I don't really care about growing up so much at all.

Good Days

2010-01-20T20:37:00.000-08:00

You make funny faces at me to make me laugh when we wake up in the morning. I like how your skin smells.

We ride and go crazy fast-- so fast I just pray that I don't catch and edge and fall, because my bones would probably break. We smoke and we get crazy high, outer-space high.

I like the way you kiss me and I like the way you rip backside 360's off the rollers under Chair 26.

I'm working on my goggle tan, but it's not nearly as good as yours is. People around town have started to recognize me by my brother's rasta sunglasses.

Spin, Click, Spin

2010-01-19T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to think that I really may need to be medicated for this. I'm not sure that my behavior is 'within therapeutic limits' or whatever lately. But I don't have health insurance, so it's really a bit of a mote point. Maybe I should be more careful with myself.

But I am becoming more self-sufficient. It's been kind of a hard fight, actually, this emotional independence thing. But I really think I'm getting there. That, or I've just been getting high a lot recently.

Which ever.

I feel like my number is up soon, though. Do you know what I mean? You can only live like this without consequences for so long. Then sooner or later, when you put the gun to your head and pull the trigger, you loose. I just have a feeling.

Technological Dissonance

2010-01-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

I hate sleeping alone.

Wise Men Know Well Enough What Monsters

2010-01-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

Hot tub night, last night:

My backyard ain't so bad (over the fence is the frontside of the mountain- you can see the headlights of a snowcat on the right side of the photo):

This is what I woke up to this morning, one of the leads at work:

Bruises from trying to hitch hike home the other night:

One of the supervisor's at work drawing a smilie face on a race-rat's helmet.

The Wailers from the deck at the snooby private party:

The Wailers:

People's eyes get funny when they're fucked up. They turn darker, their faces change... it's like you can see the devil in all of us come out to play.

A cheesy reference, but exactly like in True Blood. Black, fucked-up eyes.

The way he holds me, I love it. You wouldn't know how funny he is, just meeting him. Hilarious kid. Beautiful boy- long and tall and dark, with hair like all those ancient greek kings. Really good snowboarder. Sweeter than you'd believe. He kisses all my bruises and scrapes away.

"You and Stuart make me really happy," she says. "I think he really, really likes you."

They're all beautiful, all different & the same all at once. From a hundred beautiful places I'll probably never get to see. Ohio. Virginia. New York State. Connecticut. Missouri. Minnesota. Michigan. Buenos Aries. Argentina. Brazil. Costa Rica. South Africa.

Still stoned from the wake & bake this morning, listening to Red Hot Chili Pepper's Stadium Arcadium (Mars Side). I just feel so good.

Love is My Religion

2010-01-17T13:04:00.000-08:00

Please let me preface this by saying, I am a retard. I know I am a retard. So this is only my opinion, like everything else up here.

I met my first closted kinkster. It's funny, as he's actually one of my supervisors at work, but he's a really mild, laid back dude in life. A professional stoner-ski bum. But he bed he is super rough. Just the way he touches me, the way he likes me to touch him, you know what I mean. But it's funny, because when I asked this obviously kinky guy if he was kinky, and his response is

"What...? Oh, you mean like.... . Oh. No, I'm not."

Especially for straight men I think, being 'kinky' is a major stigma. It's such a loaded word. I mean, wouldn't they all feel better if they could just call the kinky sex they've having for what it is?

I don't know, but what a sweet guy. From the lower part of the East Coast with star tattoos and curly dark hair. Super cute. He sets an alarm for me to wake up for work in the morning for after he leaves. We get high and I listen to him talk, and I can hear his subtle accent, it's such a sweet thing.

I don't know. Is it wrong to casually date several people at once? 'Cause I kinda like it. Sometimes you find that one person who sort of does it for you completely, but usually not. No one can be all things to anyone. Or at least, that's how I see it. I don't know. I just like being tender with people. That kind of sweet physical intimacy is so under-rated. I can't get enough of it.

Oh, and it's snowing, finally!!!!!!!!!!!

What I Got

2010-01-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

Last night was crazy. My hangover went away about an hour ago...

2010-01-14T22:17:00.001-08:00

I'd like to dedicate this to all the men in my life who really know how to make a girl feel like playing for the other team exclusively. Nobody makes me feel used and expendable quite like you do.

One Love

2010-01-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

I wish there were more girls up here. The more I see of human behavior in the 20-something male, the less I want to see. It's just the same dance, every night. The same words, coming out of another vapid and stoned or drunk boy with longer hair and a stubble-y face.

It's the same script, same scene just different actors. Over and over and over. They're all beautiful. They all have the kind of bodies you see in glossy magazines. They all say the same thing.

It's seriously the ones that don't want to fuck me now that have become interesting. I've never been that girl who walked into the bar and felt like she could take home whoever she wanted. It's like that up here though. It gets rather old.

And I'm rather frustrated, because there's this boy. And he's not like all the rest of them, exactly. He's got this beautiful, fucked-up tortured soul. Beautiful eyes. And I like him. And he seems to like me, too. But he didn't call. Maybe he will.

But, all the beautiful people call. They want to go out and party. The want to cook me dinner, to smoke me out, to go do the back country, to go ride the front-side, to go to the bar, to take the snow cat out. And it's hard to say no when you don't call, but you are all I want.

I guess this probably sounds stupid. It's not coming out right at all.

But I just want somebody to love me and at this point there is a line out the door. So if you love me, won't you let me know? 'Cause I like you more than all the rest of them put together.

Most. Insane. Night. Ever.

2010-01-13T23:53:00.000-08:00

Pictures to follow.

2010-01-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

I have the worst taste in men, period.

Dear: The 150 Univeristy of Texas Freshman on Floor Two,

2010-01-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

Prepare to die.

I know I for one am ready to come down there and do our state a favor and fucking kill all of you. I know I might sound like an asshole, but its fucking TUESDAY NIGHT. The next drunk 18 year old sorority girl who stands in the stairwell screaming,

"MANDY! MANDY! WHERE... AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU, MANDY?"

... is going to get fucking punched in the face. I want to go fucking ride tomorrow, you assholes. Which means I don't want to fucking listen to your drunk-fucking-screaming right now. That means no slamming doors, no screaming

"WHOOOOOOOO! I'M DRUNK!"

and no

"IT'S COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

You fucking dummy, its JANUARY in fucking COLORADO in the fucking MOUNTAINS. It's about 5 FUCKING DEGREES OUT. You people are the reason we all hate fucking people from Texas. You're embarrassing yourselves, man: learn how to fucking hold your liquor and act like less of a retard. Hint: don't wear your rolex in the hot tub, you teenage fucker.

Seriously. Saturday night? Fine. Friday night? Fine. Sunday night? Hey, whatever. But fucking Tuesday night is off limits you fucking rich preppy Texas gaper retards.

You guys are the first people fucking loud and stupid enough to get the cops called in the entire time I've lived here. There have been some wild parties, but there were either on the weekend or they were fucking smart enough not to throw beer bottles off the balcony and scream at each other "I'm SO DRUNK!".

When you are so loud and obnoxious that I can hear your conversation word-for-word from two floors away from inside my condo with the pillow over my head, it might be time to re-evaluate your life here.

GO FUCKING HOME and shut the fuck up.

Face/Palm

2010-01-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

Facebook Status of the Day:

"I don't know where you magic pixies came from. but I sure like yer pixie drink!!!"

Drugs are bad, kids. Drugs are bad.

So hot, yet so dumb.

Super Massive Black Hole

2010-01-11T15:36:00.000-08:00

Sunday-Funday at Bar Louie.

Made friends with the bartender and drank whatever bizarre and amazing martinis he came up with all night. Some involving egg whites, Tabasco sauce, elder flowers and grape juice. He didn't charge us anything.

I don't know. But I like this kid, I think. That's good, right?

The thing is, I'm headed back to the Twilight Zone tonight. So what do I do? Should I try and give it a shot even though I'm living farther away?

I think life is gonna be okay. I feel like my head is on straight again.

And I'm trying to keep calling people 'bro' or 'bro brah' to an absolute minimum.

Deviant Behavior & Body Modification

2010-01-10T12:53:00.000-08:00

"That's the conclusion of the latest research from a group of scholars at Texas Tech University that has spent much of the past decade studying the phenomenon of piercings and tattoos. The paper, just published in The Social Science Journal, suggests the relationship between body art and deviant behavior is significant only for those who have adorned their exteriors in extreme ways.

There's no doubt that body art has gone mainstream. Surveying 1,753 students from four American colleges — two state-supported public schools and two highly selective religious institutions — they found 37 percent reported at least one piercing and 14 percent were tattooed. Four percent reported having seven or more piercings, four or more tattoos, and/or at least one piercing in their nipples or genitals.

Aside from their use of the body as a canvas, the students were asked about various aspects of their behavior, including drug and alcohol use, sexual activity and whether they cheat on tests.

The findings revealed "sharp differences in the levels of deviant behavior among those with just one tattoo vs. those with four or more, and among those with just one to three piercings vs. those with seven or more," reports sociologist Jerome Koch, the paper's lead author. "The level of deviance reported by respondents with low levels of body art is much closer to those with none than to those with multiple tattoos and piercings, or intimate piercings."

"Results indicate that respondents with four or more tattoos, seven or more body piercings, or piercings located in their nipples or genitals, were substantially and significantly more likely to report regular marijuana use, occasional use of other drugs, and a history of being arrested for a crime," the paper continues. "Less pronounced, but still significant in many cases, was an increased propensity for those with higher incidence of body art to cheat on college work, binge drink and report having had multiple sex partners over the course of their lifetime."

Courtesy of Texas Tech.

The New Bad Idea:

2010-01-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

The double-double drink. The second or third might have been a poor choice.

Gimme Shelter

2010-01-10T01:59:00.000-08:00

Singing along to The Rolling Stones, cruising home over icy roads and around slow traffic.

Hi, Daddy.

Yeah, I told you. I'm scared of liking anybody. You know, like that. Doesn't stop you anyways.

I guess I'm trying to die, and we're all dying, and this is just another way to go about it. Man, I wish I could go puke up that food I just ate.

I just wanna be back on the snow. Back two planking it. Back where I know the score and understand all the rules, and where it occasionally spanks me down but I like it. I wanna be skiing again. Even stuck on the fish-bowl lift in Blue Sky. Take me home, please.

Enough of my drunk-ass bullshit. Even I get tired of it.

Wanted:

2010-01-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

A king size bed with a huge white down comforter and 3-5 other people to sleep in it with me.

Must shower regularly, snore minimally, and not kick in your sleep. Must love cuddling like an adopted kid with abandonment issues over his crackhead momma. Gender and sexual orientation are irrelevant.

Seriously, I want this set up more than anything. Do you think if I move into a house with a bunch of people we could get a communal bed in the living room? How awesome would that be?

Muddy Waters- Rollin' Stone

2010-01-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

At Newport Jazz Festival, 1960

Three Little Birds

2010-01-07T16:51:00.001-08:00

Today was the best day I've had of the season on the snow. I'm actually starting to get really good, finally. I just love being outside, I love how cold it is, I just love the feeling of skiing. It's funny, because it is so much like life-- no matter what, you have to keep your shoulders parallel to the slope. You can't fight the mountain, you just have to go with it. Ironically, going faster makes it easier. It's like surfing, but with your feet attached to the board. It's like flying.

God, it's good.

A ski instructor from A-Basin died up in Keystone or Telluride yesterday though. Was up by himself, went head first into a tree-well and his ski bindings didn't disengage. Rest in peace. I love riding alone, but this kind of stuff almost makes me reconsider.

I guess I should post some pictures from the past week...

This is the view off of Dave's balcony, what I was looking at on midnight on New Years Eve.

Went with some kids from Southern Methodist University (SMU) to Whisky Jack's, and this is what they wrote on the wall. I wrote the "Vail, CO <3's You".

The hot tub, right before I almost broke my arm. I was naked and it was probably about -10 degrees out, but I thought the color was so amazing I had to take a picture of it.

The 10th anniversary of Blue Sky Basin being open! This is the top of the Cloud Nine lift. Looks cold, huh?

This is my office... :) Yeah, thats the Gore Range in the background.

Today, someone from Georgia asked me how long it took the resort to "get all that snow go up on the trees like that". I don't think he believed me when I told him that when it falls out of the sky, it just lands on the branches. I almost fell off the chair laughing.

The view from Sun Up Bowl. I thought the fog laying at the base of the mountain range was so beautiful. My god, isn't it?

Gorgeous Thing of the Day

2010-01-06T21:32:00.000-08:00

"There’s evidence around us all the time that we don’t see and which calls out to us to realize that the skull-sized world we live in is not reality. Selective perception. The religious dogmatist misses the little things, the details, the gorgeous chaos of chance and evolution. The atheist is blind to life’s miraculousness.

We’re all missing something. Whether physically or perceptually, the hole is still there."

-All Things That Are Good

Life on Other Planets

2010-01-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

I met the most beautiful man I've ever seen at the bar the other night. I don't even want to describe him because I couldn't possibly do it justice. His eyes were light blue and he looked like a love child of Bob Marley and Robert Redford. Long, long dark hair in dreads and olive-y skin.

He was Dutch, and I can't remember his name but his accent was musical.

I then promptly lost his phone number. It was an FML moment.

The 'Bad Boy' Phenomenon

2010-01-06T06:58:00.000-08:00

Meanwhile, while my life is disintegrating...

Women love men who treat them badly. Men love women who treat them badly. I mean, this is an established fact. There is just something to somebody who doesn't just give you all that attention and affection, but instead makes you work hard to get it from them. And when your significant other is being unfair/mean/selfish/belligerent drunk or whatever to you? Makes you want to work harder to win their affections.

It is (at least for me and many others I know) just how I'm hardwired. Kind of sick, isn't it?

Oh, your wanted in the state of Michigan? Yes please!
Emotionally damaged? Step right up!
When you drink your like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde? Absolutely!

I feel like a human barometer for damaged and dysfunctional people. I'm really talented at it, actually. Great. Lovely. Perfect, that's just awesome.

I want a man who isn't going to make my cry and who still turns me on, apparently an impossible paradox.

Ugh. Now time for another day on the snow.

2010-01-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

"Don't believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free..." (Phish)

Yeah, yeah, it's paradise. Or something.

Quote of the week: "I'm a bastard! You can't teach it!" Yeah, I know. I know.

I'm considering a radical shift of direction, life-wise. I don't know what exactly to do, but I feel like what I'm doing right now is not working.

It's a new year, after all.

How Not to Get in the Pool

2010-01-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

Ouch.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone

2010-01-04T20:32:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the middle of the square, screaming "My life is better than your vacation!" at the passing tourists, snow falling on my face.

It's much stranger than I could have imagined up here.

2009-12-31T09:10:00.000-08:00

2009-12-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

2009-12-27T13:48:00.000-08:00

I don't want to talk about it.

I'm so over everyone. I feel very zen. I don't care if it all burns down, you know? I don't have all that much to lose.

I guess zen is sort of like empathetic apathy.

The snows been getting better. The resort finally opened the back bowls this week. I'm getting pretty strong.

2009-12-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had Elliott Smith's Angeles stuck in my head over and over. I kept thinking, its so funny because, the lower your quality of life sinks, the more sure I become that I want to live.

Strange Idea of the Day:

2009-12-25T00:56:00.001-08:00

Some people who are blind are blind because of physical defects in their eyes or optic nerves, but in theory have fully functioning visual centers in their brains

LSD causes visual hallucinations due to it's effect on your brain, not your eyes

In theory then, could blind people take LSD and experience visual hallucinations?

Winter Wonderland

2009-12-22T20:39:00.001-08:00

I remember, as a kid, having a Polaroid instant camera and taking a lots of soft-focus pictures of my family. I loved that feeling of watching the picture slowly come up from that black square.

Tomorrow I'm going to go ski Beaver Creek again. It's finally snowing again here, so hopefully tomorrow will be a good day :)

My manager at work told me the other day that "skiing is like sex- even when it's bad, it's good!"

I probably should get another job and try to do a better job of pretending to be a 'responsible adult', whatever that is. It probably involves spending less time in the hot tub.

20.10.2009

2009-12-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to see why people move up here and never leave.

I've been working weekends, and week days I sleep in 'till 10 or 11 and then wake up and throw on my gear and ski untill the lifts close at 3:30pm, come back and sleep or sit in the hot tub and have a couple drinks with whoever is drinking down there. I have no bills, no rent, absolutely no money, no phone, no particular place to be.

It's like vacation, but all the time. I like my job, and I can ski as much as I want to for free. It so beautiful here, it still takes my breathe away.

I think I'm going to apply for the 2010 residency program at the firestation in town or apply to the ski patrol next year.

Tonight, after everything else had closed, I went out to the liquor store in town and bought a serious-business-sized PBR and jumped the gate at the ice skating rink in the center of Lionshead and skated around in my boots. A bunch of random groups of people walking past joined in, and for a minute, the closed rink was filled up with people, laughing and falling and skating in our shoes.

Thing That Made My Day:

2009-12-19T19:57:00.001-08:00

A ten year old ski racer kid with this huge sticker on the back of his helmet:

He was skiing a pair of Head* Monsters. I'm kicking myself for not taking his picture.
(*Head is a brand of skis)

What the Fuck Does That Mean?

2009-12-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

Last night I had one of the more bizarre dreams I can remember.

My dream started with me getting ready to go to bed- brushing my teeth, etc- and then laying down and reading a couple pages of 'On the Road' before I fell asleep. Once I started drifting off (and dreaming, I can't remember about what...) I suddenly started to wake up again, and I could feel something over my face. I started to feel very afraid because I couldn't breathe- someone was holding a pillow over my face. I could feel their forearms against my face through the pillow, pushing it into my face really hard. I couldn't sit up. I tried to reach out to push them off of me, but on the other side of the pillow- no one was there. I could feel their arms pushing down so hard, but they weren't there.

I woke up as I was suffocating.

You know, sometimes I think insomnia may not be the worst thing in the world.

2009-12-18T21:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I know everything is going to be okay.

I know the soul of life is good.

If I Leave Here Tomorrow, Will You Still Remember Me...?

2009-12-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I'll see myself unexpectedly in the mirror- when I'm brushing my teeth at night in the bathroom or walking passed a window, and I see this pretty girl. She's got terrible posture and big, sad eyes but she's... not pretty, exactly. But different looking, in a good way.

Those unexpected reflections are the only times I think I might be good looking, even though other people seem to think so. I mean, its not that I think I'm deformed or something. I just think that everyone when they're young is beautiful, or as beautiful as they're going to get anyway.

I don't know.

Today I heard the Kaiser Chiefs song- "Oh My God". I completely fell in love with it, you should check it out (if you haven't heard it already).

Vail, Today

2009-12-16T22:24:00.000-08:00

Not-New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

1. Go backpacking through somewhere beautiful (even if it is in my own backyard)

2. (Try to) learn a new language

3. Leave the country

4. Volunteer to help a cause I believe in

5. Try to beg/borrow/steal my way into being a foreign exchange student in Chamoniex or Verbier next winter

6. Drop a cliff in Vail, and live to tell

7. Save money

8. Transfer to CU Boulder

9. Do a foreign exchange program

10. Fingerpaint on a grand scale

11. Become an employed EMT

12. Get a good feel for IV starts

13. See the East Coast

14. Make a few chiffon sundresses, and wear them everywhere in the summertime

14. Investigate buying a cheap motorcycle and road-tripping through the dessert in Utah, solo

15. Remember to cut my hair more often

16. Make an effort to learn something completely new

17. Savor a really great meal

18. Practice more meditation and yoga

19. Soak in Strawberry Park Hot Springs

20. Be happy

Coconut Shell: Octopus Mobile Home

2009-12-15T21:38:00.000-08:00

Apparently veined octopi have learned to use abandoned coconut shells as shelters from predators.

Watching it pick it up and run seriously made my day.

BBC article here.

Hyper-Context-ual-ity

2009-12-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

Vice Magazine UK wrote "The Vice Guide to 'Finding Yourself'". I don't really agree with their version, but I kinda liked the idea. But seriously-- group sex and drugs? Having your heart broken and breaking someone else's? Sticking it to your parents?

I guess these tactics might have worked for the people who wrote this. But lately they're not really working so great for me.

Giraffes

2009-12-14T16:15:00.001-08:00

Silkscreen from Vonnegut's Man Without a Country.

Vladimir Demikhov

2009-12-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

Another truly horrible thing done in the name of science.

Low Rising

2009-12-13T22:36:00.000-08:00

I'm going skiing for the first time this season tomorrow. I'm excited.

I drove up tonight in the blizzard. At the top of Vail Pass, suddenly, the wind changed directions and blew all the snow straight into the windshield, and everything went white for a little while. I stopped on the highway, and sat there in the dark-- there was no one else on the road. It was like what I imagine nuclear winter would look like. Like the end of the world.

The ski area is supposed to get about a foot of snow tonight. Should be sweet.

Thanks for the video, Keith.

Blackbird Redux

2009-12-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

Art is a strange kind of immortality. Even after death, the artist has the power to transcend his (or her) own expiration date and communicate with their audience. And art is such an intimate thing, anyone who has ever had to sing in public knows just how intimate creating art can be.

Isn't it a strange world that it's impossible to ever meet John Lennon, but everyone knows just what his voice sounds like?

It was the 29th anniversary of his death a week ago.

Om Shanti Shanti Shakti

2009-12-11T23:31:00.000-08:00

One of the things that sticks out from Seattle that I really miss is chanting in yoga class. I guess that probably seems pretty silly. I've never been a 'chanting kind of girl' either. I hate singing in church. I hate chiming in with the other 200 tone-deaf people, singing along with fake-happy smiles to words of the song we all read out of the little manuals, another mask to wear while we all really think about the laundry we forgot in the dryer or whether or not we remembered to close the garage door on our way out. I digress. But I loved chanting. I don't know what it meant and I couldn't pronounce it from the sanskrit spellings, so I'd just listen to the first verse and then join. It was like being part of one big thing, one big voice, with everyone breathing and thinking in unison, all our minds blank. After class, it was like waking up from a sweet dream. I miss that.

2009-12-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

Its interesting, how many masks we wear. How many people we are all at once.

Daughter. Sister. Pretty girl on the street. Employee. Stranger. Teacher. Pupil. Artist. Anarchist. Lover. Quiet one. Bitch.

I remember the first lie I ever told, when I was a kid.

Sometimes I wonder, despite all of the other people you have to be, if I'm still in here too somewhere. Sometimes, its hard to tell.

2009-12-10T20:29:00.000-08:00

Eve 6 played a free show in town tonight. Photo on tumblr...

Yesterday, the wind chill was something like -20. It was so cold I slept in my clothes inside my sleeping bag.

Oh, I got the job. Meaning my $800 ski pass is now comp'd. Awesome.

Also, my phone is possessed. Seriously. Its started turning itself off and on at will, dialling numbers autonomously, making calls, hanging up on the people I call, and changing the ring settings. Creepy. Add 'new phone' to the list of things I need to take care of this weekend.

2009-12-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm living in slow motion in a world set on fast-forward.

The days go by,

everything crumbles to ashes.

Nothing stays.

The days go by.

And by.

Like cars on the highway.

I don't know what to do.

La Dolce Vita

2009-12-08T12:42:00.000-08:00

Today, I hitchhiked to a job interview.

Being a girl alone in a snow storm seems to make it pretty easy.

Its snowing pretty solidly out.

I can't believe its December 8th already. It seems like the past few months have gone by so much faster than normal. Its strange.

I walked a couple miles to Beaver Creek from Avon, drank tea at a coffee shop owned by a Seattle-expat, and watched the seas of people with foreign accents and heated ski boots drain through the gondola line.

Life can be so beautiful.

2009-12-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

(via)

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." -Orson Welles

How Many of Me?

2009-12-06T00:27:00.000-08:00

According to the US census, I might exist, it's just statistically unlikely.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are

or fewer people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Comparatively, there are 44,541 people named John Smith in the United States. There are 969 people named James Bond, 102 named Harry Potter, 434 people named George Bush, 31 named Emily Dickinson, and 32 Johnny Cashs. Huh.

Q: What does it mean by "chances are low that someone has this combination of names."?

Even if both names are common enough to make our list, if they are both relatively uncommon names, there may be less than 50% chance* -- sometimes much less than 50% -- that even one person has that name. Since our numbers suggest such a person is unlikely, although possible, we hedge our bets and say that are likely "1 or fewer" individuals with that name.

Inspiration of the Day

2009-12-05T23:27:00.000-08:00

Dominique Tarle's photos of The Rolling Stones at Villa Nellcote in the summer of 1971.

(via)

This afternoon was so nice, I slept in 'till 4:30. I've been feeling really optimistic and excited about everything. This week is going to be good, I can feel it.

Its been really cold lately, the high a couple days ago was 2 degrees. Its supposed to snow quite a bit this week, starting Monday. It should be so, so good.

This week, I want to take a winter hike someplace through the snow, wander around and explore the town, maybe take the bus 10 minutes down-valley and ski Beaver Creek, eat lunch at a fancy restaurant I can't afford, finish reading On the Road and Walden on a couch in the lodge at the base of the mountain, wake up early enough to watch the sun come up, find a good coffee shop, feel the snowflakes melt on my face as they fall, wear my Sorrell boots everywhere, and finish my roll of color film.

I'm going to really, really, really enjoy this.

I've been listening to Neutral Milk Hotel, Death Cab for Cutie's Meet Me at the Equinox, Led Zeppelin II & IV, Meric Long's Notes, Elliott Smith and Keith's music. All is right with the world.

EX NIHILO NIHIL,

2009-12-05T01:45:00.001-08:00

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2009-12-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

NEED.

2009-12-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

{Voorhes, Exploded}

Vail.

2009-12-04T14:27:00.001-08:00

I'm moving on Monday.

I can't wait.

Terra Incognita

2009-12-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

I'm giving up on escapism.

Does anyone else experience these little coincidences, deja vu, of strange-wonderful interconnectedness? They kind of almost inspire me to believe in god, after all.

Today: yoga, pick up photos, job applications, and a significant walk.

Cannon XS X-Ray

2009-11-30T02:41:00.000-08:00

(via)

Christmas on a Friday

2009-11-27T22:23:00.000-08:00

Telos: an ultimate end (Merriam-Webster, 1904)

While cleaning out my closest today, I found a big swiss army knife, an original Led Zeppelin IV on vinyl, and a (mostly) full bottle of Stolichnaya Gold.

Merry Christmas to me!